My Yearly Letter from "Kranky Klaus"...

(Disclaimer: The following is a Kranky Christmas letter from Kranky Klaus. If you are easily offended by politically incorrect speech you should put this letter back in the envelope and watch CNN!)

Ho Hum, Ho Hum, Ho Hum!!

Well, it's been quite a year here at the north pole. We have yet to recover from collapse of the sub-prime igloo market and i had to lay off even more Elves than last year. But it appears hope is just around the corner. The government has deemed our toymaking operation at the North Pole as "Too Big To Fail," and cam through with $20 billion dollars of stimulus money - just in time too...though I might not get my $40 million bonus this year! Of coarse, along with he stimulus money came government control of my workshop. Between the government and the A.F. "ELF" C.I.O. Union, I am now a minority stockholder in my own corporation!! From now on all toys will be built to government standards - what a thrill it will be for all the boys and girls to receive a politically correct Gay G.I. Joe or Secretary of State Barbie Doll.

I had planned on delivering millions of real coal burning toy locomotives this year but then the Environmental Protection Agency stepped in......so now toy cars and trucks have to meet MFB (minimum feet per battery) and emissions standards. I can't wait to see little Johnny's face as he opens his present expecting a Monster Truck and gets a miniature Toyota Prius instead.

The Elves and Reindeer are demanding a government option on health care. So I fired all the doctors. From now on they will be seen by politicians. NEXT!

We joined the war on terror by invading OZ and defending the North Pole from radical Munckins. Last week we launched a predator missle from my sleigh and eliminated the entire lollipop guild. In addition, I have accepted the US government request to move the prisoners from Guantanamo to the North Pole. I will be picking them up in my sleigh on my way back to the North Pole on Christmas Eve. Hey...it's free labor. Besides, I never signed the Geneva Convention.

You remember how hard it was for me to get into the White House on Christmas Eve last year? Well, I finally figured it out. All I have to do is ditch the red suit for a tuxedo and take a good looking blond with me. I might even get my picture taken with the President!

Unemployment continues to rise here at the North Pole. I am down to six reindeer having layed off Donner and Dasher. I saw them the other day on the street corner holding up a sign "Will fly for food". It's so sad. The Elves are suffering as well. I had to let Twinky, Pinky, Dinky and Stinky go just last week. I saw them across the street from Donner and Dasher and they sure looked hungry. They were watching the cars speed by and yelling to the reindeer "Here boy...Here boy...Here boy" while holding out a carrot. To compensate, I brought in some cheap labor from North Korea. They don't understand a word I say but they bow and call me "Great Leader". I like that! Problem is you have to watch them all the time. I went out for a cookie break the other day and came back to find them working on a Nuclear Warhead!

Can you believe this? I got a letter from Tiger Woods a few days ago asking me for a new SUV! Says he ran into a tree accidentally. He must have forgot... I know when (and where) he's been sleeping. Coal and Switches for him!!!

I gotta get back to work now. I suppose I should wish you a Merry Christmas. Oh yeah...be sure to tie up the dog and turn off the Security system on Christmas Eve. The last thing I need is a Dead Rottweiler or trouble with the cops.

Crumbs and Kisses - Kranky Claus

P.S. Rudolph says to leave a six pack of that new carrot energy drink "Red Reindeer".